Day 762

Day 762...

Well today has been a day of various appointments.

It started out with my least favourite of the day...the dentist! I've never liked the dentist and despite numerous treatments over the years my love of going has wained even more.

So on arrival we are told we have to wear a mask...really?! When the majority of my time within the building will be spent with my mouth open! One positive to be taken from the pandemic is that all the forms that would have been completed in person on arrival are now sent via text and email a few days before to be completed online. They even have an electronic check-in to save speaking to a receptionist which would have been great if it had worked.

I had to have a couple of x-rays and while they showed up a couple of cavities I opted not to have any treatment as they have not been causing me any pain. Although I do think it odd when the dentist asks me what I want to do about them...isn't that their job to advise the patient?

I was hoping to get a clean and polish today as two years of not being able to have this done meant my teeth were in need. But apparently all I could have done was the scraping part and not the polishing part because of covid!!! Really? So I have been left with cleaner but rather rougher feeling teeth!

After a quick stop at home for a coffee I popped out to our local Lidl to stock up on a few fresh supplies and decaf coffee; the essentials.

After lunch I headed into Derby for the first of my two afternoon appointments, a quick beauty treatment. My next appointment meant jumping back in the car to head to the outskirts of Derby and to the Breast Unit at the main city hospital. I arrived in plenty of time and was thankful I'd had the foresight to bring some coffee with me as due to restrictions still being in place I wasn't allowed to enter until 5 minutes before my appointment time. 

Having being diagnosed and treated for breast cancer in March of 2019 this marks my third annual mammogram appointment and was the first time back at the main breast unit since my operation. During the pandemic the mammograms had been completed at a smaller site away from the main hospital, but today I was back where it all began. I was in and out in next to no time and now have to wait for my results which will be with me in a couple of weeks! I have two more annual mammograms to go before I am classified as 'all clear' and then I'll revert to the standard screening of every three years.

Back home and the coffee was just brewing thanks to Simon. I spent a few minutes online catching up with the antics of my podcast co-host Michelle as she arrived in Disneyland Paris today and has been posting video online throughout the day.

I had a few minutes to start sorting jigsaw pieces before Simon and I headed down 'the gym' for our usual Tuesday night workout.

And I think that is Tuesday all done so I will see you tomorrow.
xx

Mammogram Wednesday

Day 392...

And we have reached the middle of another week. I am still on my break from preschool but Simon is back working.

My day started with a couple of small jobs; loading the washing machine, updating the banking for preschool and booking in a collection slot for my grocery shopping.

Late morning saw me head off to my local hospital for my second annual mammogram. It is now two years since I underwent a lumpectomy, followed by radiotherapy, for breast cancer and part of my ongoing care is to have annual mammograms for 5 years.

I was due to have my first mammogram April 2020 but because of the pandemic it was cancelled and eventually rescheduled for June 2020. I had presumed that this year, and subsequent years, that my appointment would now all happen in June so I was pleasantly surprised to receive my appointment in April which means I am on track with where I would have been ordinarily.

Driving to my appointment was a little strange as I realised it was the furthest I'd driven on my own (and it was only 8 miles!) in such a long time.  I drove a route that I know really well through places that I have visited almost weekly for years and years and yet everywhere felt familiar but also strangely different. It's moments like this when the unseen effects of lockdown can suddenly strike you.

But the great thing was that I arrived in plenty of time. I waited until almost my appointment time (as instructed in my letter) and then ventured into the hospital. After checking in at reception I sat down in the waiting area, which was empty, another patient then arrived just after me and almost immediately I was called through. Ten minutes after my allotted appointment time I was back in the car. I can't fault the NHS at Derby Breast Unit everyone has been so lovely, so caring and have always put me at ease every time I have visited. I am so thankful for all that they have done for me over the last couple of years.

As I arrived home Simon was just breaking for lunch so with a change of shoes we set off on our lunchtime walk over the fields - another 1.85 miles in 37 minutes. We were also able to help a family who had wandered up the bridlepath near us in search of Alpacas...we are fortunate to have some Alpacas on a farm close by to us but this family were a little off course but a few directions later and we had them heading in the right direction.

My afternoon turned out to be a very relaxed and, for me, quite indulgent afternoon. I finished watching the last episode of The Marvelous Mrs Maisel which was fabulous, just as all three seasons so far have been; a highly recommended must watch from me. Plus I just love all the glamour of the era (late 1950's into early 1960's); all the dresses and the hats and the jewellery! 

I then started to watch a docu-series on Disney + called 'On Pointe' all about the School of American Ballet in New York. Now I am not a ballet fan, but this series was recommended by a fellow Disney geek so I though I would give it a try. And one episode in and I am hooked!

I then decided to spend a little time outside with a coffee or two and the sunshine. I was able to read a little more of Gary Taubes' 'The Case for Keto' as well as start a new book by Dr Jen Unwin called 'Fork in the Road' all about our food, and specifically sugar, addiction and how we can get past it. I just love learning more about how we are supposed to eat and understanding more about how we can high-jack our best intentions and what to do about getting back on track. Having eaten low carb/keto for almost seven years now I know how well this way of eating suits me and am fascinated with the science behind it and the history of how we found ourselves eating completely the wrong way.

Take care out there.
xx

Wet & Windy Wednesday

Day 357...

Ordinarily I would be in work on a Wednesday but due to a phone appointment this morning I'd taken the day off...well I say 'off' but I actually got quite a bit of work done.

So over the day I managed to complete a vital piece of work, a cash-flow forecast! We are approaching the last full term of the academic year and in April we see changes to the National Living Wage which means that we need a review of all our salaries to ensure that we fall inline with government guidelines as well as being able to reward our staff accordingly. 

I needed therefore to be able to have an idea of how our finances pan out between now and July and how that will in turn impact our return in September. We always need to work between 3 to 6 months ahead of ourselves so that we can ensure the correct funding is received and apply it successfully.

The main reason for being at home today though was that I had a phone consultation with a nurse from the Breast Clinic at my local hospital. It is now two years since I received my diagnosis of breast cancer and although it was caught at an extremely early stage it still meant surgery and radiotherapy. Today's phone call was to check-in with me and make sure I was doing okay and aware of the plan going forward.

Since my surgery and radiotherapy I have had one more mammogram that came back completely fine. I will now have a mammogram annually for the next four years before I get 'signed off' from the clinic. I still get odd twinges and pain in my left boob and the nurse explained today that the pain is a result of the radiotherapy, whereas I'd presumed it was to do with the surgery. Apparently during radiotherapy the angle of the treatment means that the bones get affected and the 'pain' that I am feeling is actually in my bones and can be noticed when perhaps stretching, or lying differently, or getting a hug. Good to know that what I'm experiencing is completely normal and thankfully it is nothing overtly painful to deal with, just more annoying.

I am still surprised by how the experience has affected me, not only the twinges and discomfort, but more the psychological effect. The diagnosis stays with you and even when you think you've got a handle on it it can enter your brain and mess with your head when you least expect it. I think I have a tendency to try and dismiss it because 'it was caught so early' but I have to remind myself that being told you have cancer is not something you can be prepared for. Because I don't want to feel that I'm ever 'playing on it' or 'making a fuss' it can lead to me not dealing with it as perhaps as well as I should, and not recognising that yes I have cancer, yes I had surgery and yes I had 15 rounds of radiotherapy. I need to do a better job of embracing that, accepting it and knowing that it's okay to remember what I've been through and that is now just a part of who I am.

Before lunch we had a chap arrive to do a survey of our windows as we are moving forward with replacing all our wooden windows with fancy new uPVC ones. So today was getting all the final measurements in place, double checking finishes, handles, window openings and spotting any potential 'tricky areas'. Now we just need to wait for a date when all the work can be done.

As Simon finished for his lunch we spent a few minutes showing off his R2D2 build to the 'window man'. As R2 sits in our hallway it often becomes a talking point when we have visitors and Simon is very proud (and quite rightly so) to show it off!

Despite the grey clouds and drizzle we embarked on a quick walk out though the village to simply get some fresh air; a quick 1.7 miles in 30 minutes and a little wet by the time we got back home.

And the other news of today is that I have a hair appointment...well it's booked...for 13th May! So here in England we are hopefully, all fingers and toes crossed, due to see hairdressers, tattoists and shops re-opening on April 12th...if nothing untoward happens! So my hairdresser has done the fairest thing and worked through her appointments in order to re-arrange them. I should have been going blonde again mid-February so it will now be happening mid-May instead and I can't wait to change colour and go extra-short again!

Well the day was rounded out with a trip to the 'gym' for Simon but as I was feeling a bit cold, and quite frankly not in the mood for exercise, I turned my attention to writing this blog instead.

Wherever you are, whatever you are doing take care.
xx

Day 87

Day 87...

Hello to the weekend...just in case we'd forgot where in the week we were!

A very slow start to the day, simply had no energy to get up and get moving. But once up and about Simon decided to sort through some old bits and pieces and get them up on Ebay while I got caught up with the ironing - exciting stuff!

The afternoon saw us take a walk to see my dad and because of the new 'support bubbles' we were able to actually go inside his house and sit on his sofa and enjoy his company in comfort!

After we had returned I decided to tackle the last pieces of my current jigsaw, resulting in a completed Snow White's cottage...

...and I now have the next one all lined up and ready to go...

Today was a good post day though...I received two items. One was for pre-school which contained a cheque for £200 from Asda as we had been lucky enough to take part in their green token scheme at our local store. This is a scheme where three local causes are chosen and shoppers get to choose which one to support by way of dropping a green token they are given at the checkout into a slot of their choice. The great thing is that all three causes benefit. This money will be put to really good use by our pre-school.

The second letter was from Derby hospital, and was one I had been waiting for, this was the result from my 'surveillance' mammogram that I had about 10 days ago and thankfully the results were 'normal' - phew! I will still have mammograms for the next four years before I can receive the all clear but getting through this first one is a great feeling.

I have felt a bit out of sorts at times today. I seem to be struggling for motivation to do things, lacking the desire to get on with something. I think because things are still so uncertain and it's no longer a case of just doing things on the spur of the moment or just popping somewhere to get something my enthusiasm has taken a knock. I find myself in a 'why bother' state of mind and I know I need to shake this but I also know that that is easier said than done. I know I have days when I can be more motivated and days like today when I'm not and I know that this is okay but it can feel draining.

We find ourselves apparently moving out of lockdown but we still have so many things that we cannot do and so many things that feel contrary to what we want to do. Because of the worries around the economy the focus is on getting that back up and running but this feels at the expense of personal things, like meeting up with friends and loved ones. It's hard to understand that professional football is starting up again but Molly can't yet meet up with her fella - feels all out of whack to me! And the greater the emphasis on these type of things the harder it is to deal with not seeing those that we love, care about and are missing.

I would love to be able to meet up with friends for a coffee and a catch up, I would love for Molly and her fella to get to spend some quality time together and I am happy to do all of this when it is safe to do so. But when these means watching society at large start moving, more cars on the road, more sporting events happening, more shops opening and even me going back to work it all feels very at odds with the things in life that are important.

We all want to be out of this and back to normal as soon as we can and all we can do is just hope that this is the right approach and we don't regret the time we have not been able to spend with loved ones.

Take care,

xx

Day 77

Day 77...

Today Simon and I celebrate 31 years of marriage; not that we can do much to celebrate! Instead we have spent the day in our respective work modes which for me mainly involved responding to emails and collating some paperwork together ready for a meeting I have scheduled for tomorrow with my deputy manager.

Just after lunchtime we headed out and drove the furthest we have been in the past 10 weeks as I had an appointment at hospital. This time last year I was just starting my radiotherapy treatment after having had a lumpectomy for breast cancer and now I was back to have my first mammogram following the end of my treatment. See this post about my journey last year.

I should have had this mammogram back in early April but it understandably got postponed and then just last week I received my letter with my appointment date of today. I have to admit that although I knew exactly what was going to happen today, and the actual act of having a mammogram doesn't bother me at all, I was filled with anxiety. I think all the memories and feelings from last year resurfaced and I fear that having to wait for 2 weeks for the results is not going to be easy.

I will admit to also being a little apprehensive about attending a hospital during the current circumstances so I went with mask on and hand sanitiser in my bag. The appointment was actually at one of the main hospital satellite centres which was very quiet. I was told to only arrive within 5 minutes of my appointment time so when I got to the right department there were no other patients in sight so no sooner than I had checked in with reception I was being taken through for my mammogram. All the administration staff I saw were either wearing masks or were behind screens and the medical staff all wore masks and visors.

The nurse that carried out my mammogram actually remembered me from last year as she recognised  all my Disney tattoos (and clothes) and commented that she was one of the nurses that carried out my biopsy...she remembered that even my shoes were Disney! We had a lovely chat and spoke about the effect of COVID-19 on her job and how she had been deployed to different departments within radiology as the hospital stopped more routine work and concentrated its resources for treating COVID patients. 

Interestingly in response to my general chat about how I knew lots of people who had suffered with bad coughs and colds prior to Christmas and that 'makes you wonder' she responded by commenting that there was a thinking that something had been going around since October...so who knows?!

After a lot of my previous treatments we had indulged in a coffee and cake on the way home but today it was straight home to a home-made coffee instead...and back to some more work! A few more emails, some more printing out and chatting with the landlord of the building that we use for our pre-school while Molly had another karate class via Zoom!

And that was today!

Take care,

xx

Day 69

Day 69...

Back to work today as I'd got lots to wade through in order to get to a point where we can be confident that we can re-open pre-school safely and in accordance with all the government guidelines.

So lots more reading and dissecting of guidelines and recommendations; feeding all that back into our risk assessment and my own notes. More emailing with parents to confirm exactly what their requirements are and sorting that into spreadsheets so that I can start to figure out exactly what we can offer everyone. Then chatting with my deputy manager over email exchanging information and ideas as we get ready to meet up sometime soon to thrash it all out.

I still have new policies and agreements to write as well as ensuring all staff are informed and know what the expectations of us all are; so lots more to carry on with tomorrow!

I received a letter from my local hospital today with a new date for my mammogram that was cancelled back in April, at the beginning of this lockdown. I now have an appointment next week and rather than it being at the breast unit of the hospital I was treated at it will now be at one of their satellite locations. It comes with guidance on when to arrive and what to expect because of covid; I am only to be there 5 minutes before the allotted time and to only attend on my own. Apparently I will have to wait 2 weeks for the results which I'd hoped by having it done at hospital wouldn't have been the case, but I guess with it being in another location that's the reason why. Just brings back all the memories from last year...having the first mammogram and presuming everything was fine and then discovering it wasn't, followed by the re-testing and biopsy and waiting for results.

Lunchtime saw us complete another couple of miles in around 43 minutes in absolutely glorious weather yet again and today we saw almost nobody on our travels. After more work this afternoon I managed to step away from the keyboard late this afternoon to steal about 20 minutes outside for a bit of chill time.

Molly has been approached by her employer about going to back to work...she works in non-essential retail and she really doesn't want to go back yet nor can she see the justification in re-opening at the moment. If we are honest this isn't the job she wants to be doing and was just a way of earning a little money; and at a contract of just 4 hours a week I really don't think it is worth her getting stressed over. She is desperate to pursue a career in photography or media but is struggling to find anything out there...I think she needs refocus and push her energy and time into her own venture, Shutter Studios. She is young and talented and should be using this time to do what she wants to do and to 'give it a go'; life should be lived for the moment and for trying and aiming high, you never want to be left saying 'I wonder what would have happened if....' or 'I wish I'd done...' Grab the moment and just go for it, you have nothing to lose and everything to gain.

And there you have another day in lockdown...I think we're still in lockdown...well whatever it is I'm going to stay put as much as possible as I don't trust anyone in power at the moment. It would appear it's one rule for us and a completely different rule for them. I just hope that the majority of us are being sensible and abiding by the social distancing and staying home as much as possible as I would hate to see a spike in a few weeks time. Unfortunately only time will tell...

Take care, stay safe
xx

It's been a year...

This time last year I had my first routine mammogram. We are very fortunate here in the UK to have a breast screening program that kicks in for us women after we've turned 50 years old; a mammogram once every 5 years until we are 70.

So when I have received my letter just the other day with my appointment for my next mammogram in just a few weeks it brought back all of the emotions from the last year. I knew I would be getting a letter; in fact it had been praying on my mind; I didn't know when I'd get the letter or when the appointment would fall but I knew that the thought had been niggling at the back of my brain.

Last year, on Valentine's day to be precise, I went for my first ever mammogram appointment very much with the attitude of 'it's just routine, a minor inconvenience' and almost with a preconceived idea that everything would be absolutely fine. After all my boobs felt okay; I'd not had any cause for worry, no unusual lumps or bumps, no pains or discolouration. In fact I quite liked my boobs; decent size and shape and despite being 51 years old and having breast fed two children they weren't looking too bad and were holding up pretty well.

By sheer coincidence one of my work colleagues also had her first mammogram the day after I had mine. When she asked me a couple of weeks later if I'd had a letter, as she'd had hers saying that everything was fine and to come back in 5 years, I had the first thought that something might be amiss as I'd not had anything. Surely my letter should have arrived by now?...after all I'd had my mammogram first...my brain tried to tell me that I was being paranoid and to stop worrying; it was probably just one of those things.

But then the letter arrived on the Friday asking me to go to the Breast Unit at my local hospital for a second mammogram the following Tuesday morning...but even the letter said 'hey, don't worry, this happens sometimes'. Again the pragmatic side of my brain tried to convince me that this was just a glitch and that a few minutes for a second mammogram would show that everything was fine!

Well suffice to say that second mammogram was not just a few minutes, by the time I left the hospital that Tuesday lunchtime I'd had a mammogram, an ultra sound and a biopsy for some white things that had shown up. A week later I was back at the breast unit being told I had Ductal Carcinoma in Situ (DCIS); thankfully the earliest stage of breast cancer and a form that is classified as non-invasive but that still needs to be treated.

With DCIS the cells in the milk ducts have become abnormal and have changed to cancer cells but have not spread anywhere. The concern is that these cells could spread at some point in the future and they could spread slowly or quickly; a series of unknown events. So with my diagnosis I was offered a choice - either be treated or undergo a further test to see if I would be suitable for a study where women have no treatment and are just observed for the next 5 years to see if the cancer develops further or not.

I took the option of treatment, I simply didn't want to run the risk of this turning into something bigger that would mean more invasive treatment than what I was already being offered. So only a few weeks later I was back in hospital to have a lumpectomy followed, a few weeks later, by a course of 3 weeks of radiotherapy. See my previous post for more details of my diagnosis and treatment - Last Day

So that brings us to now and me feeling the need to write this post. The last 12 months since receiving my diagnosis has been a bit of a whirlwind, not only because of this but other life and work events that have all added up to it being a bit of a full on year. Suffice to say I perhaps haven't coped as well as I thought I had and the letter arriving in my post box has kind of rekindled a lot of feelings that either I had quashed or simply not had the chance, or time, to fully engage with.

I think it's been easy for me to dismiss the cancer as a blip, after all it was caught early and was non-invasive...it was almost easier to dismiss it as 'not a proper cancer'...and as a consequence I perhaps haven't allowed myself the good grace of acknowledging just what I have gone through and the knock-on effects.

I am very much a 'get-on with it' kind of person...I try not to let things that I have no control over 'get to me'; to only deal with things as and when they need me to deal with them - there's no point worrying about something that may or may not happen until it actually does happen. You can waste an awful lot of energy worrying over 'if's, but's and maybe's' and I'd rather target my energy into things I can actually do something about.

But this cancer malarkey is a 'big deal', bigger than I think I have admitted, and it has bothered me and affected me, perhaps even more than I realised. My left boob is not the same as it once was; now don't get me wrong having a little bit cut out is preferable to having my boob removed completely but it still feels different and that has had an impact on me, and perhaps more than I thought it ever would or have truly acknowledged.

From a visual standpoint everything looks great, I was fortunate that the incision and removal was towards the lower/under part of my boob and so the scar is not overtly visible. It has not stopped me wearing all my usual clothes and although I can tell that my left boob is smaller than my right no-one else would know. But it still doesn't feel like it once did.

I struggle with the fact that a year on I am still 'aware' of my left boob. The area around the incision is still numb in parts and I still get niggles and pains. I am aware of the weight in my boob when I move that I don't get in my other side. I am aware that it can feel sore or tender when getting squished. I feel surprisingly self-conscious about it. I am aware of when I've done more than I should have physically and I've been cautious about exercising and returning to the gym.

And I think it is all of this that has surprised me; the affects that are staying with me almost a year after my operation. And because it feels like it's still with me a year after it all happened means that it is always there somewhere in my brain and that annoys me. So getting my next mammogram appointment gives me a sense of foreboding; of going into the unknown once again. Will it be clear? What if they find it again? What if something else shows up? Then what?

I really don't want this post to sound all 'woe is me'. I'm simply trying to take stock of the situation and put my big girl pants on and admit that is has affected me, more than I could have expected, more than I realised and it will continue to affect me but that's okay, that's to be expected and it's okay to admit all of that.

I will deal with whatever comes my way, knowing that I have people I can rely on and talk to and that will help me find my way through. I will refocus my energies into making sure I live my best life and grab whatever opportunities come my way. Getting cancer, any kind of cancer, sucks big time and it's good to admit that, it's good to have a cry, to shout, to moan, to throw a tantrum in fact it's good to do whatever you need to do to get through it. It's my body that this is affecting and I will deal with it however I want to deal with it and I will take back the power and try to not let it control me and let me fight to be me.